Surrender, shmender!!!

Only you know when and how...

For those who would rather listen than read (or both!) I have recorded this piece for you.

Surrender is an annoyingly overused word right now. “Just surrender. Let go.” Only those who don’t know the fear and agony of letting something go -- something that has helped them to feel safe or right in the world -- would say those words so tritely.

Yet, surrender is a universal principle that has been the gateway to great personal transformation. It truly has! All the great religions and spiritual practices extol its virtues. Its tried and true power. But lately, it’s become a quick and easy word with an assumed quick and easy access and outcome.

And it is anything but that... until we’re ready. There is no script, no formula, no right way to let go of the obstacles that keep us from freeing and being ourselves. And it certainly isn’t going to happen just because someone tells us to!

When something, anything, like “surrender” or” let go” is overused it actually becomes a hindrance. It loses its utility, its meaning and its ability to help in the ways it perhaps used to. As with making ritual, making relationships, making dinner, making love. If we think about and do these things the same way over and over, they lose their meaning, their pleasure essence. Their spark and magic.

How many times have I sat across from clear-hearted, open-minded people who, with tears and the agony I referred to above, said, “I know I need to let go of this. I don’t know how. I just can’t seem to do it! I don’t know what to do.”

This is an honest cry from deep within. Whether it’s letting go of a relationship, a position in life, a belief about oneself or another or the world. It’s not a matter of a faulty ability or weak willpower or playing a game of duplicity. It’s about being able to access the crack that occurred somewhere in the foundation of our lives that made us cling too long to a false sense of security or to a formula that no longer works. And simple words like, “Oh honey, you just need to surrender and let that go” are mocking the depth of the process, and the real fear it brings up in us even to consider letting this hope, or dream, or person, our home, our family, a significant relationship go.

Maybe it was ok, maybe actually the right thing, to grab onto what we did when we did, to feel more secure. To be safe. To feel loved. But it was never meant to be a permanent fix. Nothing is. And our grip grows tighter and less pliable the longer we hold on. It takes both an internal and external dismantling to really let something go. The process rotates between the two — feeling what’s there to feel and taking action, even a small seemingly insignificant one, that alters the usual pattern. Risking saying “No,” or “Not Now,” for instance, when perhaps for years, decades, we only said “Yes” to the mandates and requests of others. Because we believed it was what we were supposed to do; it kept the peace; it made us good people; people liked us! And ultimately, it kept us safe. It also kept us stuck in places where we lost our sense of what we need, and our ability to express that need.

So, what are we surrendering to? Maybe surrendering is listening more closely to ourselves. To honor that part of us that is crying for attention — to be tended. That leaves us shaking in our boots. It’s a tender process - this surrendering, this letting go. It’s a courageous inquiry. An out-of-the-box experiment, even. It’s not a mandate from the outside. It’s very much an inside job.

Maybe another way to approach this is to ask ourselves compassionately, “If I could let this go, what am I afraid might happen?”

“Surrendering” Acrylic /Mixed Media on Canvas. 30” x 40

The Invitation

Is there something or someone or some pattern in my life that I keep getting the sense I need to let go of, change or release my part in? Or am I noticing themes and messages that are coming up relative to these people or patterns that I need to really pay attention to. Like, “She continuously asks and assumes I will do and be as she wishes. And I keep allowing it.” Or “I keep gravitating toward this relationship that I know isn’t for my best and highest good.” And the point here is to just notice it. Name it. Speak it out loud. Be honest with it.

And ask yourself if you think it would be in YOUR best interest to let this go. Or change your position on. Don’t rationalize. It’s not a Ben Franklin pros and cons. It’s a quick gut feeling.

And then step in. Play with it. Feel it. Try it on. What does it feel like to entertain the possibility of actually surrendering that relationship, or that dependency or addiction, that relational pattern or way of being. To let it go. What are you feeling right now? Because we all have something. You’re not alone in this.

And when you’re ready, and you find yourself able, even if it’s for just for a moment, open yourself to catch a glimmer of something else that might want to come in beyond what you’re releasing.

Holding those two parts at the same time — what is and what could or wants to be. This is the most powerful place. More than the actual “surrender.” It’s poignant and palpable and fully alive. And then ask these questions:

“If I did let this go, and I actually could let it go, what am I most afraid might happen?”

Be with that. Really be with that. Let it linger before you move on.

Then the second inquiry:

“What can I imagine and invite into my life that is in more alignment with who I really am, and want to be? What do I need in order to change these patterns that no longer serve me?”

Listen to your beautiful self. Feel what you feel in your body and breath. Expect the answers. Expect support. And in perfect timing for you, expect the ability to be able to surrender to whatever this is for you. To really let this go.

With love, and more love,

Ché